Please send us all your favourite golf jokes and we'll post the best of them right here.
Joke of the Month
Breaking 100, from Trevor Crowe, SA
3 guys are about to tee off on a Saturday morning when they hear this womans voice
behind them asking if she could join their group. All of them not wanting to have a
lady in their group were just about to say no when they realised that it was
Charlize Theron, of course they changed their minds.
She says to them, "I
have only been playing for 6 months so I am not very good, but I would so desparately
like to break 100 today."
So off they go and on the 18th green Charlize has a 20 foot
put to break 100. She says to the 3 guys, "Who ever gives me the best advice to sink
this putt, I will do ANYTHING for..."
The first guy says "It will break left to right about a foot, but you must hit it
firm as it is an uphill putt".
The second guy says "I have been a member here for 21 years, that putt will not
break left to right but rather it is a dead straight putt, but yes you must hit it
firmly".
Charlize turns around to get the info from the third guy only to find him with his
pants around his ankles and totally exposed. He says to her "Thats a gimme dear!"
What if I died tomorrow?, from Steve Philips (Kent UK).
The husband and wife, married for many years, are deep in meaningful conversation.
"Sweetheart," he says, "If I died tomorrow, would you remarry?"
"Well, I suppose so," she shrugs. "Eventually."
"Would you and he sleep in the same bed as we do?"
"I suppose so," she says.
"Would you make love to him?"
"I suppose I would dear. We'd be married after all."
"And would you give him my golf clubs?"
"No," says the wife. "He's left-handed."
A few good ones from Hennie, South Africa
"Asked about the phenomenal improvement in his golfing game, John modestly puts it down to his choice of equipment. Instead of a golf ball, he uses a rabbit. Sure, it's a lot harder to hit, but wherever it lands, it heads straight for the hole."
"What makes men keep chasing after women they have no intention of ever marrying?"
"The same urge that makes dogs keep chasing after cars they have no intention of ever driving!"
Half an hour late..., from John Oakes (Blackrock, Ireland)
Captain of golf club meets prospective new member in bar and arranges to
play a round with him to assess his ability.
"How about 8:00am tomorrow morning?" , he asks
"Sounds fine," says the prospective member, "but I might be a half an hour
late."
At promptly 8:00am the next morning they are on the first tee and the
Captain is amazed at this guy's skill, for his first time on the course he
goes around in 2 under.
At the bar later they are joined by the Secretary and the Captain explains
what happened.
The Secretary is delighted and suggests that he might play with the
prospective member.
"How about 8:00am tomorrow morning?", he asks,
"Sounds fine," says the prospective member, "but I might be a half an hour
late."
At promptly 8:00am the next morning they are on the first tee and the
Secretary is likewise amazed at this guys skill, for his second time on
the course he goes around in 4 under.
At the bar later they are joined by the captain who asks how they got on.
"3 under par," says the secretary, "but you did not mention that he was a
left handed player."
"He's not," said the Captain with a frown, "he played right handed yesterday."
They ask the new guy how come?
"Well," he said, "it's like this... I'm very superstitious so when I awake
in the morning I look at my wife and if she is lying on her right side I
use my right handed clubs, if she is lying on her left side I use my left
handed clubs."
"Oh" said the captain, "What happens if she is lying on her back?"
"Then," said the player, "I will be a half an hour late!!"
Just hope this never happens to you!, from Danny (Canada)
Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about 3/4ths of the way stops and jogs back, shaking and pale in the face. His boss asks what the problem is.
Joe said "eh, well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress." Phil just shook his head at Joe and started towards the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to hurry their game he too stopped short and turned around.
Joe, hiding behind his bag, asked "what's wrong?"
Phil replies, "It's a small, small world Joe, and you're fired"
Physical Therapist, from Steve Scott (California, U.S.A)
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground, and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said,
"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"
To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
All in the Grip..., from Daan Vermaak (Cape Town, S.A)
... Jack was first up in his foursome. Eyeing the ball, he swung his club and hooked his shot over the fence and down a road where the ball crashed through the windshield of an oncoming car. The startled driver lost control of his vehicle, and it spun into a parking lot and bounced off three cars.
Jack raced over to the crash scene and was relieved to find that no one was hurt. Almost immediately a policeman arrived and spotted Jack standing next to the crashed car eyeing his ball.
"Just what are you going to do about this?" demanded the policeman.
Jack looked up. "Well, the first thing I'm going to do is change my grip."
The Hook Shot..., from John Oakes (Blackrock, Ireland)
An Irish guy goes to the US, meets a beautiful young lady, falls in love, he proposes marriage, she accepts and they return to Ireland for the wedding with his family.
On the wedding night he tells her: "Honey I have a terrible secret... I love golf... I live for golf... I think all day long about nothing else only golf... I dream about golf... I play golf every opportunity I can..... in fact I'm totally adicted to golf"
She says: "Honey thats fine because I have a secret also... Back in the States before I met you I was a hooker"
He says: "Thats OK honey, if you just change your grip a little like this
and open your stance!!"
Hell of a Game..., from Andrew Jennings (Wales)
A man goes golfing with his Friend, John. He arrives home several hours late.
His wife asks,'What took you so long?'
He replies,'Oh, honey, it was a horrible afternoon! On the third hole, John had a heart attack and died on the spot!'
She says,'Oh, darling! It must have been awful for you!'
The husband replies, 'It was hell! Fifteen holes of 'hit the ball, drag John, hit the ball, drag John...'
The 10 Best Caddy Replies, from Rob (U.S.A)
# 10
Golfer "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
# 9
Golfer "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
# 8
Golfer "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
# 7
Golfer "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy "Eventually."
# 6
Golfer "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
# 5
Golfer "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of
A distraction."
Caddy "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
# 4
Golfer "How do you like my game?"
Caddy "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
# 3
Golfer "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
# 2
Golfer "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
# 1 Best Caddy Comment
Golfer "That can't be my ball, it's too old,"
Caddy "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
10 things in golf that sound dirty
1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.
A couple good ones, from Kobus Le Roux (Pretoria, South Africa)
Bill and Earl are out playing golf on a dreadful, rainy day. They get to the 17th tee, which overlooks a small lake, and see two guys out on the lake fishing. Bill says, "Hey Earl check out these two idiots fishin' in the rain!"
"A golfer slouches into the clubhouse after a particularly bad round. "Looks like you had a pretty rough day," says the pro. "You bet I did," sighs the golfer. "The best two balls I hit all day, was when I was coming out of the sand trap and stepped on the rake!"
